To be or not to be eaten: Sharks join the swim team


Photo courtesy of UKPLC

The movie Jaws seemed not to scare the NC swimming team as they filled practice pools with shortfin sharks to learn to swim faster. Olympic medalist and swimmer Michael Phelps became the new swim coach and came up with the radical idea, but in the end, their scores show improvement. “I knew my tactics would work. Putting sharks in pools to help swim time will forever live in my legacy, and it means more to me than a couple of small medals,” Phelps said.

Rachel Maxwell and Nati Duron

Swimmers go through drastic measures to beat their personal records, like shaving their body hair, surgically adding gills to the sides of their neck, and eating protein bars. NC Swim Coach Michael Phelps found that these factors do not help the team anymore because of their losing streak. After extensive research and bribing of the school, Coach Phelps decided to place 29 shortfin mako sharks from the Atlantic ocean into the swimming pools to help increase speed.

Shortfin mako sharks can reach speeds of at least 31 miles per hour due to the shark’s streamlined, bullet-like shape. The sharks, known to snack on “fast food” such as swordfish, tend to chase swimmers dressed as these animals. Because the swimmers do not want to become seafood, the team feeds them actual swordfish, squid, and other fish to maintain their energy for practice.

“I decided to dress up like bluefish because apparently, to Coach Phelps, the sharks find bluefish mouthwatering. Honestly, I don’t know how to feel about this whole mess. I might get eaten but hey at least I beat some records,”  freshman Coral Backstroke said.

The team practices in the pool on top of the Deal Building. The swimmers and sharks practice under a beautiful sunset, with all the privacy needed because of the speculations on whether or not the pool exists. To clear the rumors, the pool does exist.

One night, AP Stats teacher Cara Hamilton wanted to take her finger puppet Scuba Steve for a dive in the pool. Sadly, the team forgot to put one shark back into the tank, leaving the shark to swim around waiting for a treat. Hamilton did not notice the toothy creature, and therefore let Scuba Steve swim on his own. The shark took a nibble of his right arm, but incredibly, Scuba Steve survived the incident.

“I am so happy to be alive. My passion in life is to scuba dive, but after the event, I have decided to strictly remain in StatWorld,” Scuba Steve said.

After three weeks of rigorous and dangerous practice, their scores decreased significantly, causing the swimmers to finally beat personal records and win state championships. Although traumatized from the experience, swimmers continue to hold the same passion for their sport.

“Forget the Olympics, I’m going to coach swimmers with sharks now. My medals mean nothing compared to what I have achieved here at NC. I love these sharks as if they were my own children. In the end, losing an arm or leg is a risk worth taking when it means winning a championship,” Coach Phelps said.

Happy April Fool’s, you fool!


The Chant