Make room for the guy better than you: Emilio Medina


Emilio Medina

Owning multiple PhDs in graphic design, national art organizations worldwide classified Emilio Medina’s products as the most expressive and essential art pieces in the modern era. Medina’s art, such as a smiley face, a drawing he made in the third grade and a stickman, rival art pieces created by Yayoi Kusama and Leonardo Davinci. Medina’s beautiful smile, extremely chiseled face and six-pack abs also classify as art. The Musee du Louvre art museum features pictures of Medina’s beautifully sculpted body next to the dramatically inferior Mona Lisa.

Emilio Medina, Reporter

Humans strive to become the best at what they do and can accomplish, but it ends up impossible for them thanks to a man named Emilio Medina. A man leagues ahead of the human race, unknown for his accomplishments due to his humbleness and talent to stay under the radar. Uncovering Medina’s feats create a clear reason why no one else deserves the title “super hot and sexy dude, totally better than you and your family including your dog and grandma”. Medina appears as an average joe to a regular bystander, but actually lives as a prodigious everything-meister who lives life better than everyone else.

“Emilio is so cool, I wish I was him. He’s been my hero since I was young. To see him at the very top is very heartwarming. One time I saw his method acting for “The Batman” and he just stared at me for 25 minutes straight without blinking. Coolest dude I’ve ever seen,” John Cena said.

 As a distinguished and respected student of NC, Medina excels in every concept and classroom with an astounding 7.0 GPA. Medina puts blood, sweat and tears into working as the president of every club at NC as well as an assistant principal and a janitor. Medina works multiple high and low-paying jobs in order to fill in the gap in his wallet created from extensively donating to charitable and non-profit organizations. He will earn his fourth high school diploma in 2024 as the valedictorian in his 16th year at NC.

Medina’s range of superiority transcends time as People magazine featured Mr. Medina as 1998’s “sexiest man alive”, a title other people can only dream of owning while given to Medina eight years before his birth. The average person appears like a speck in the universe while Medina looks like a titan using the universe as a chessboard sitting upon his throne of unprecedented knowledge and his 100% true and factual opinions that everyone should study.

“It’s a lot of hard work and responsibilities, so that’s why I hit up my good friend Bill Gates and he offered me some workers and robots to pretend to be me. They earn $20 an hour, of course. He’s a good guy, I remember I co co-founded Microsoft with him back in 1975, good times,” Medina said.

  In 2022, doctors diagnosed Medina with the “better than you” disease at the age of 15. As the only known victim of this disease, Medina suffers from extreme back pain from the stress of carrying the entire world on his shoulders. Although suffering from this horrible disease, Medina still powers through while displaying his perseverance and huge muscles. 

Arguments claiming these accomplishments as fake and made up do not count because they stand on baseless proof while plenty of evidence supporting Medina’s accomplishments exist to testify how amazing and jaw-dropping of a person he lives as. Lame-o’s and milksops cannot understand the grip and power the throne Medina sits on holds in this inferior world.

“What this guy has done is impossible, I don’t believe you. What’s more is I’ve never heard this guy’s name in my life ever, and now I’m supposed to believe he has a 7.0 GPA? I think this is bullcrap,” senior Stan Smith said.

Searches for Smith turned inconclusive after his missing persons report on March 16. Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Smith should notify the FBI and local authorities. Medina’s parents knew their young prodigy would grow up as one of the most influential people of the 20th century. Medina takes his stature and runs with it as the best human alive. The national educational institute of Medina arrives in Kennesaw, Georgia to teach communities on contributions Medina made throughout history as the best life form on the planet and universe.

April Fool’s, you fool!


The Chant