A love/hate letter to fantasy football: “I just can’t quit you”

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Chris Degirolamo, Special coverage editor

Every year in early September, young men and women prepare for war. This battle leaves out bloodshed and firearms but somehow proves more intense than face-to-face confrontations with ISIS terrorists. The ruthless war millions participate in dissolves friendships due to the intensity that comes with it. In this war, you are not drafted. In fact, you are the drafter. This is fantasy football.

Every year, smiling faces enter the draft with their cheat sheets that all share common desired quarterbacks and running backs, even though only one lucky player can proudly shout “Peyton Manning” or “LeSean McCoy.” Throw away your stupid mock draft sheets unless you know Jesus Christ (fantasy analyst Matthew Berry) personally, because chances are, you won’t get who you want. Even if you do draft who you desire, some fall short of expectations by far.

“Drafting Colin Kaepernick was the worst decision I’ve ever made because he straight up sucks. He gets me one point against the Raiders… like really? This taught me not to draft players that look like Veggie Tales characters,” senior Jake Champion said.

Some seasons crash and burn because Cam Newton fails to perform for a few weeks, and other seasons are finished after Week One because Adrian Peterson “switched” something up in his life. Unlucky players’ seasons went up in smoke after deciding to keep Josh Gordon following an incredible season, but nothing can knock you out of contention and drop your hopes like an elevator quite like drafting Ray Rice in the first round, thinking he only had a two game suspension.

For those who sold their soul for good players and made it into the playoff bracket, I congratulate you. Sadly, around 60% of participants fell short of making the final cut. Good luck at the draft next year while you try to construct your team starting in the fourth round.

Fantasy football affects you in the cruelest of ways. Say you had a shot at playoffs, but your running backs were on BYE for week 12, so you had to start Jonas Gray and his alarm clock literally ruined your chances for a successful season. Now you may be left sitting at your computer in disbelief with the faint sound of annoying alarm clock beeps echoing in your head while you search for life’s snooze button.

As frustrated as I seem, I love the competitive spirit of fantasy football and you can see me at the draft next year in my Giants jersey because no matter how crazy it makes me, I find myself signing up every year expecting a different outcome. It’s not madness, it’s fantasy football.