International Party Party is not the party you need, but what you deserve


Dylan Kellos

International Party Party official logo

Dylan Kellos, Reporter, Photographer

Politics today appear so toxic that individuals can feel afraid to express their own views. Attributing this fear to the polarizing effect which our two parties possess upon the American people. Both Republicans and Democrats use hateful and angry rhetoric to win voters or make the other side lose voters.

It appears that nowadays majority of Americans identify as independent since no particular party truly aligns with their views. Even George Washington showed his desire to keep away a two party system when he described them as, “the alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension.”

Seeing how even our founding fathers opposed the system we find ourselves in today, I promote a solution to the two-party system: A third party. This third party will stand as the only party for all the independents who do not align with the current parties, named the International Party Party. This party’s logo will consist of not a elephant or a donkey, because these animals do not appeal visually. This party will possess a logo of a screaming eagle vomiting rainbows while carrying an M60 machine gun in its talons with the American flag as its background.

The colors stay as Democratic blue and Republican red, so the International Party Party will have purple for its color, to show independence from the two parties.

The stances of the International Party Party remain simple: everyone in the world just gets together and throws a massive party.

On the issue of weed legalization, the International Party Party believes in full legalization and encourages national happiness as show by, our party’s first chairman, Wiz Khalifa, who said , “Let’s just be happy man, why not just kick back?”

Supporting same-sex marriage the International Party Party believes in “do whatever you want” or one can refer to the slogan, “Screw it, do whatever.” It holds as a sentiment that carries itself to most of the International Party Parties policies.

Some people might criticize the International Party Party for its laissez-faire policies and not staying “in the right mind” to hold political office. Yet what makes anyone more qualified than someone else? So what if we don’t hold any real political experience, since Donald Trump does not either, and currently he leads the Republican primaries.

The International Party Party proposes its own candidate for president, seeing as the field becomes filled with lunatics. Vermin Supreme, as the only show of sanity this year, will stand as the International Party Party’s 2016 candidate. Some may know him from his boot hat or his policies on ponies, which holds that the International Party Party’s foreign policy exists now as solving all problems with ponies and love. Every Syrian refugee requires exactly one pony and a hug, so no one will remain angry enough to fight, a true work of a genius.

This election will stand out in memory as an interesting one, to say the least, and the next debate between Hillary, Trump and Supreme will go down in history. At least the International Party Party’s candidate doesn’t have four bankruptcies or a federal investigation.

April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO, The Chant