Senioritis epidemic classified by CDC as real disease


Alex O'Brien

Senioritis, the long held fake illness, has now been determined as a real disorder, and parents demand a cure.

Fatima Elfakahany, Opinions editor

Incoming news from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) threw high schools countrywide in a panic as scientists discovered a myth, a legend, a long-held disbelief, as truth: senioritis exists as a real, diagnosable disease.

“We’re shocked,” Fulton County Board member Bob Ellis said. “It completely changes everything we knew about seniors. This piece of news will take quite some time to digest, and in the meantime we’ll need to implement some new policies.”

Seniors rejoiced as they finally could put an authentic name to their symptoms of debilitating laziness, overwhelming fatigue, and crushing apathy.

“We’ve been trying to tell teachers for years now,” senior Markus Morpheus said. “They never believed us. We’d crack jokes about it but it was serious. It really was.”

A statement, delivered by the president of the CDC, Laura Dooley, proved both poignant and informative.

“The disease is real and it’s time we started taking children seriously when they say something’s wrong,” she said in a statement on Thursday morning. “Our studies are showing that the disease could appear as early as freshman year, when the teens are fourteen. This is incredibly serious.”

Dooley added that scientists at the CDC reacted with shock at the now confirmed disease, saying that while conducting the studies, none believed that the results would come back positive.

“But I did. I knew. I knew because I’m a survivor of senioritis,” she said to uproarious applause. “It wasn’t easy to go through, but with this recent confirmation of the disease, new studies and medications can finally be implemented to ease the pain of teenagers everywhere, and hopefully stop the disease’s spread into upper education.”

NC, identified as a senioritis cluster, along with numerous schools across Georgia, felt the effects of senioritis leading back decades.

“Many graduates of North Cobb are survivors,” administrator Leevy Jones said. “I myself am a survivor, but I only developed it my junior year. I had classmates that had the disease all the way back to eighth grade.”

With the information, the state and county promise additional funding to senioritis clusters and treatment of the disease.

“We can’t have this disease ruining our future,” said Governor Nathan Deal. “Starting next semester, we will have designated sick-leave days for seniors particularly hit, and we will provide free treatment to seniors currently facing this awful disease.”

Teachers, ordered to loosen up seniors’ workloads, expressed sympathy with their students and vowed to help them any way they could.

“It’s terrible, what’s happening,” said medical sciences teacher Knowles Itall. “I always suspected, but it was never serious. I think it’s time we stop forcing our students to hide the disease and start aiding them in healing from it.”

One affected senior, Irma Johnson, expressed relief over the confirmation of the disease, adding that she it struck her second semester freshman year.

“All of a sudden and out of nowhere, I couldn’t do my homework anymore,” she said. “I’d take it out, log onto the computer, and be ready to work, only to be distracted by tons of other things. Instagram would call to me, Twitter and Facebook and YouTube. It was so scary.”

Despite the harrowing toil the illness takes upon students, many express gratitude for the recognition of “the struggle,” and vow to do everything they can to defeat it.

“We will overcome,” senior Josh Terik said. “With the support from the country, state, school, and teachers, we will beat this.”

April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO, The Chant