Keep Your Head Up by Ben Howard

From a young age, Chloe Vernex-Loset loved watching her brother make collages. Zak would sit at his desk, cutting pictures out of magazine articles and gluing them together to create intricate patterns. Zak explained his vision to her, telling her how he manipulated the meaning of the shapes to show a different story. Chloe stared, mesmerized by his ability to make art out of random photos.

“I kind of held my brother in this godly status. He was my hero,” Chloe said.

Zak often involved his sister in his pastimes, singing to her and teaching her music techniques as well. And to this day, Chloe recalls the moment she sat on his bed as he performed a private concert for her, singing “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s and playing the tune on his guitar.

Still, Chloe knows very well that memories fade, and perceptions change.

“My brother was such a beautiful person, inside and out. He was very confident and talented,” Chloe said.  “But he was very weak.”

Now, over two years after her brother’s death, Chloe still faces the anxiety and depression following the trauma. She no longer attends Ridgeview meetings, but she visits a therapist to help her recover.

Little moments still remind her of Zak, like a song he used to play or an artist he looked up to, but Chloe knows better than to let those thoughts affect her well-being.

“My favorite song was the one I discovered just after he died. I was on a plane to Hong Kong, and I pulled out his iPod. The first song that came on was ‘Keep Your Head Up’ by Ben Howard,” Chloe said.

To help in recovery, Chloe and her family bought necklaces with Zak’s ashes made into them. Despite the steep cost, the Vernex-Loset family sees the necklaces’ artistic beauty as a symbol of Zak’s personality and vision.

Chloe wears hers everyday, and she knows that Zak would love them.

Instead of dwelling on the past, however, Chloe looks for the positivity in everything she endures, through the opportunity to help those struggling through similar situations or the knowledge that upsides exist in every difficult circumstance.

“The good that came out of my brother’s death was the sudden closeness of my family. We all kind of noticed how important we were to each other and how much we loved each other,” Chloe said.

The initial shock of the situation disappearing, Chloe now expresses her comfort in the idea of helping others who fear for a family member’s health. Recalling her personal experiences, she knows which situations she handled correctly and which she did not.

She takes pride in knowing her grievous situation could potentially prevent her peers from going through the same misfortunes.

“The best way to confront someone using drugs is to make sure you don’t belittle them, judge them, or attack them,” Chloe said. “Try to remember that the things they are doing are because of the addiction. Addicts are selfish because they can’t help it. You have to focus on yourself and your recovery when they are recovering. Whatever happens, it is not your fault. You are not in control of the addict.”

Often, people overlook the symptoms in a family member or friend because of the person’s personality or circumstance, but Chloe urges her friends to think differently.

“Addiction can happen to anyone. It’s not just the homeless guy with scars all over his face or the super rich guy with too much money,” Chloe said. “Sometimes it’s the person with amazing grades and the world rooting for them. Sometimes it’s the person everyone thinks is perfect.”

Regardless of Chloe’s knowledge of what she and her family could have done differently, she also remembers how her brother’s death impacted her positively.

“My brother’s death actually helped me learn to love myself, if that makes sense. I know I won’t ever do drugs. I won’t give up on myself,” Chloe said.

And so, Chloe Vernex-Loset recalls the exact night her brother died, and she knows the single moment she would change in the years of grief her brother’s addiction caused.

“That night, I was the last person Zak spoke to in person, but I never got to see him again,” she said. “That’s the only thing I would change. I would’ve gone for that walk with him.”