After March’s Supreme Court ruling to protect school systems “by any means necessary,” the Department of Education has enforced new policies, and on April 1st, a mandatory microchip implant will go into effect to protect the thousands of students in each district.

“This is a real development occurring at NC. I hope everyone will comply because there are new student containment centers within the newly formed gym if students decide to conduct any ‘funny business’,” NC administrator Shirley Thompson said.

This decision arose from the recent threats, reports of out of area students, increasingly undetected medical issues, and a slew of other safety issues. Cobb County piloted an initial rollout of the microchipping to select students and will continue to microchip the remaining students this month.

“I do sometimes fear for my safety, however this is going against our constitutional rights I can not possibly fathom this actually occurring. At the same time, I have seen a few armed guards posted at several of the exits ..I’m kinda terrified,” sophomore Kevin Maloney said.

The implantation ceremony will take place in the cafeteria for the remaining 2000 students at North Cobb on April 1st. Armed guards will stand at all exits for those students attempting to refuse the implant. The chip itself will inject into the forearm, then travel to the central nervous system (CNS).

“We had a meeting the other day informing us of what will happen during this so- called ‘implantation ceremony.’ Women are required to wear these weird looking bonnets  and red capes it strangely reminds me of a show I saw .. Handmaid something,” freshman Thor Aretakingover said.

Once in the central nervous system, the chip will rewire a students brain. The students’ thoughts, muscle movement, location, eyeball visuals, and bodily functions will remain open to administrative view.

“I heard in one school this girl’s mom got ahold of her iPad and totally invaded her privacy and monitored her for months and caught her in multiple compromising positions,” senior Mary Thisinsane said.

Each administrator will receive a monitoring iPad, in which they can view every single student’s medical state including cholesterol, blood pressure, and heart rate.

“I would claw out my eyes before I let administrators view any part of my life,” junior Ian Nothavingit said.

They can also view students incoming thoughts, predetermined actions, as well as determine if they are out of area. Also, alerts will sound in a student walks in an area not cleared by administrative rule and can sense inappropriate as well as violent thoughts.

One issue with the implantation is that some claim the chip has a flaw: a delay its ability to process reading material and messages read for up to an hour. Technicians are working rapidly to remedy.

“Are they serious! Reprimanding students for thoughts! That’s absolutely insane. Are we in a dystopian novel?” NC parent Wendy Wearetrappedsendhelp said.

However, students believe this remains only a ploy to control students minds and actions.      

“I am the senior Chant editor, Chloe Roberson. All students are being mind controlled. They can’t detect it through reading. I removed my chip, and this is not a joke. If you’re reading this it’s the end of free will as we know it,” NC senior Please Help said.

April Fools, you fool!

XOXO,

The Chant