For years now, former social studies teacher and now assistant principal David “Dave” Stephenson has served as benevolent dictator over NC’s Magnet program. Famous throughout the hallways of NC for his preppy dress sense, affable manner, and perpetually winning smile, Stephenson seemingly exudes smiling, clean-cut, all-American respectability. Underneath the well-tailored button-down shirts and orange-and-blue ties, though, Stephenson has harbored an unexpected secret. As he revealed yesterday at the instigation of several fellow faculty members, “Dave Stephenson” serves merely as a convenient cover story for his real identity: that of Steven Tyler, the notorious bad-boy lead singer of seminal hard-rock band Aerosmith.

“I always had my suspicions about Dave. There was always something a little bit fishy about him, like he wasn’t really the person he said he was. But I only really started to put two and two together back in October, when we were going up the elevator in the freshman academy together and he started singing ‘Love in an Elevator.’ It sounded so much like him! I knew something was going on,” English teacher Jan Husband said.

Determined to discover the truth about Stephenson, Husband contacted social studies teacher Carol Galloway, known throughout the NC faculty for her unparallelled detective skills, and science teacher Dhwani Patel, who conducted DNA analysis to accompany Galloway’s discoveries. Before long, English teacher Laura Foster also joined the team.

“I approached Stephenson a few years ago about becoming the lead singer of a death metal band I was thinking of forming, and he told me he couldn’t sing. When Jan told me that he might have been a famous singer all along, I felt cheated,” Foster said. (YouTube videos discovered by The Chant suggest that Foster did in fact form the band, which she called the Mayors of Casterbridge. The group performed dark, angsty lyrics about classic literature over a roaring, throbbing guitar part, with Foster’s dulcet drawl transfigured into a classic death-metal growl. The reasons for the band’s apparent breakup remain unknown.)

Their work soon confirmed Husband’s suspicion, and the four confronted Stephenson about his true identity.

“I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling teachers,” Stephenson, or more properly Tyler, said.

The quartet announced shortly after Stephenson’s unmasking that they planned to retire from teaching in order to found their own private detective company, GHPF (Galloway, Husband, Patel, and Foster) Investigations. The business will specialize in unmasking secret identities, and the group has already received several tips.

“Our newest case might be our most shocking yet. We can’t yet confirm for sure, but our sources indicate that Batman might actually be the playboy businessman Bruce Wayne,” Galloway said.

For his part, Tyler intends to remain in his role at NC, but he also hopes to return to music in the near future.

“I’m thinking of coming out with a new album, one inspired by what I’ve seen here in the magnet program. For example, some of the singles might be ‘Livin’ on the Edge (of a C in Physics),’ ‘Sweet Malfunction,’ and ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Class,’” Tyler said.

Happy April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO

The Chant