The national debate on global warming and climate change continues to heat up as politicians and environmentalists discuss the state of our planet in the not-so-near future. Scientists believe that this gradual increase in the overall temperature of the earth’s atmosphere could someday kill us all. In my opinion, those tree huggers should quit whining about this non-issue and direct their attention towards other problems.

Let me start by explaining how global warming works. 

The increase of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere causes global warming, and when people burn fossil fuels like coal, oil, and natural gas, it adds more carbon to the atmosphere. Scientists believe that by the year 2100 temperatures will rise to 1.5 °C (2.7 °F)- 5 °C (9.0 °F), higher than temperatures prior to the year 1750. As the temperatures rise, the ice caps will melt, causing the sea level to rise and coastal areas to flood. Scientists also claim that global warming could expand deserts, cause frequent storms, and decrease crop yield. 

Now that you know all about global warming, you probably want to know why people care about it so much. I really cannot tell you. If you look at this “issue” from my point of view the negative effects of global warming would become positive. When the earth’s surface becomes warmer, the water will expand, causing the seas to double in size. If we desalinate that water, we will gain more drinking water. We will also gain more places to swim. All of that sounds quite wonderful to me. 

Thanks to the atmospheric disturbances global warming will cause, growing food will become more complicated. That means that overzealous parents will no longer make their poor children stay at the dinner table until they finish the unappetizing broccoli on their plates. No more vegetables (or fruit, for that matter, but, win some, lose some, I suppose).  

Personally, this whole global warming thing does not bother me because I am always cold. I hate winter, and I would love for it to feel like summer all the time so that I do not have to bring a jacket everywhere. What about all the polar bears that global warming will affect, you ask? Well, not to sound crass, but I do not really know why we need them. We already have plenty of different types of bears. I am sure polar bears serve some kind of special purpose in nature, but once things really heat up, why not just let black bears fill in for them on the food chain?

Most importantly, we do not need to worry about global warming because we will no longer exist when it actually becomes a serious issue in a million years. We can let our children’s children’s children deal with all of this stuff. For now, we can all just chill and enjoy the nice, warm, weather. 

April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO,

The Chant