In place of America’s recent renaming of the area formerly known as the Gulf of Mexico, various other iconic worldwide landmarks will receive new and improved American-themed names. In the spirit of America’s historic love for colonialism, these landmarks will not stay confined to areas neighboring the United States but will be recognized throughout the entire world.
- The Great Wall of China
The Great Wall of China will receive the new and improved title of the Great Wall of America. Although the famous wall lies far outside the borders of the United States, Americans feel that the wall would benefit from the American name, believing that it will increase tourism and the relevance of the structure.
- Rio Grande
As a result of the utterly unintelligible current name of the Rio Grande in Brazil, which numerous Americans remain unable to comprehend due to its exotic nature, the aquatic landmark will from here on out hold the name the Big River. Numerous Americans believe this re-titling will reduce confusion and bring clarity as to what the landmark contains.
- The Eiffel Tower
To honor Americans’ strong love of the Second Amendment to the Constitution, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France, will earn the new title of the Rifle Tower. Time and time again, Americans stand by their love for these bullet-releasing weapons and it seems only right that these staples of American culture should receive their own commemorative landmark.
- Big Ben
London’s iconic clock tower, Big Ben, will shift to a name with an appetizing and delectable vibe, Big Mac. Americans wish to commemorate their beloved sandwich by naming the gigantic time teller after it, so British people will hold no choice but to think of the superior American food whenever they need to look up to check the time.
- The Colosseum
To celebrate one of America’s highest values, the Roman Colosseum will earn the highly patriotic name, the Colofreedom. Americans hope that this name will help promote the true spirit of Americanism and shed light on what true Americans really stand for.
“I think that renaming these landmarks is a vital step for our country to take as a way to make the world a better place. Everyone knows that America is the greatest country in the world and it only makes sense to spread American values out to the rest of the world as much as possible through this renaming process. I hope the renaming progresses quickly and someday I’ll be able to visit the Great Wall of America,” magnet junior Savannah Rader said.
April Fools, you Fool!
XOXO,
The Chant
