In today’s world, everything revolves around moving fast. Fast internet, fast news, and hopefully soon, fast feet. Heelys, originally popularized in the early 2000’s, unfortunately faced scrutiny from school boards due to “safety concerns.” Their concerns included fear of injury, but when wearing heelys, the wearer cannot face injury accredited to the new immunity feature. This feature feeds off of the pure swag of the wearer and grants them immunity from all hurt, whether emotional or physical. 

With the newfound immunity, students will possess the ability to bounce back from any inconvenience and continue their school day uninterrupted or distracted. This new productivity will increase grades and allow students to always focus in class. 

Another plus to the heely mandate, speed. Students will never receive a tardy mark again, thanks to their heelys effortlessly gliding through the halls. The school mandated heelys will also include a motion sensor to ensure minimal collisions while dashing around the hallways. The newly equipped GPS also memorizes the floor plan of the school building as well as the students schedule to calculate the speediest route to class. 

“I loved trying out my new Heelys! I have never felt more efficient in class. That emotional immunity feature really comes in handy if you know what I mean. Gliding through the halls made me feel like an elegant figure skater and I arrived to class within four milliseconds! Loving this new Cobb county decision,” Magnet senior Abbey Corley said. 

Along with all of the other benefits, the cafeteria staff gains the new “meals on wheels” program. In which cafeteria attendants will deliver food to each individual table using their heely GPS. For each lunch period the cafeteria attendants will also perform a synchronized swim style, roller-derby dance number. They have already started practicing and anticipate their new off-Broadway performance opportunity. 

“While Heelys are not the most conventional choice, they are already extremely popular among students and staff. I already have my pair and I am obsessed with them! They allow me to get around so much faster, this new development by the county will without a doubt improve NC,” Principal Matt Moody said. 

April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO,

The Chant