Approaching the end of the 2024-25 season, NC sports see a bright uptick in athletic success. With multiple sports reaching the state playoffs and the volleyball team breaking into the finals for the second year in a row, the future looks bright for the sports department of NC. The only question left remains: how can NC keep building on these successes and become the consensus contender in every sport, no matter the number of athletes playing it? The clear option that could help elevate NC sports for decades to come seems odd, but it lies in ripping a page out of the ancient Aztec tribe’s route of success. NC should sacrifice one athlete for the entire athletic branch to succeed.
Straight from the jump, this plan can ensure that within the following three seasons, every NC sports team will win a state title. While generally unknown, the sacrificial method remains tested and through in numerous other high schools, including the renowned International Management Group (IMG) Academy. An IMG alum claimed he witnessed the athletics department sacrifice a classmate in an ancient temple due to winning a raffle. While the alum expressed extreme grief, he thanked his classmate’s bravery as the academy went on to win three national titles, each with a differing sport.
“I’m certain that NBA teams have done the sacrificial method in order to win a championship. No one noticed how the Boston Celtics only won another championship after Bill Russell died. Coincidence? I think not, but I’m hoping the Philadelphia 76ers can follow the Celtics’ footsteps and sacrifice Joel Embiid for Tyrese Maxey to take the team to a championship,” junior Xavier Duke said.
A common argument against this plan includes how the school will pick out of the entire population who to sacrifice. While this process seems arduous, NC could simply organize student names in alphabetical order and place each name on individual carrots. With these carrots, the administration can organize a feast for a horse, who will pick the luckily unlucky student heading to the sacrificial temple. Despite its seemingly absurd nature, this approach ensures no bias could occur due to the horse’s personal views on certain students.
Despite the unfortunate loss of a beloved student in the school, the athletics department should certainly weigh the pros and cons of human sacrifice. As other schools continue to rob NC of the state titles it rightfully deserves, the sports branch could bide its time to prepare for the following season a step ahead of the others. Since the method of sacrifice remains unknown in Cobb County, NC could poach this chance and secure the gold.
April Fools, you fool!
XOXO
The Chant
