The administration at NC released a press statement on April 1, announcing the removal of standardized testing to enrich the school as a whole and relieve stress.

No longer will students dedicate their precious hours to studying foreign material they will never truly master.

“I never agreed with the idea of standardized testing. I’d rather have to take the pacer test and be required to reach a certain number in order to graduate,” senior Nadin Catak said.

Principal Bucky Horton took this idea and ran with it, announcing that NC will only grant advancement to another grade level if they pass the pacer test. In addition, they must contribute to NC’s bass fishing club to foster a successful environment.

“I don’t understand why the bass fishing team must feel so lonely,” Horton said. “Students join all these other clubs but show very little respect to this amazing club. It will truly be my only disappointing experience at NC.”

Students, satisfied with the idea of not taking an exam at the end of each semester, try to understand the questionable thoughts of their principal. Of course, taking the pacer test and joining the bass fishing team only represent two factors. Each day, students must bring their favorite teacher a gallon of coffee. Teachers also appreciate chocolate and its combination with coffee can earn students graduation cords.

“If you bring the gallon of coffee to me, in my office, you will graduate in the month of April. But if you dare to forget the chocolate, forget graduation period,” Horton said.

The students, currently stressed about Horton’s graduation requirements, must fulfill their tasks by Mother’s Day. His reasoning for having the deadline on this day solemnly lies behind the fact that he can rely on an excuse to ruin a special day.

“I can barely walk, how am I supposed to contribute the pacer test?” sophomore Nina Hursit said. “While taking standardized tests only takes an hour of my life, Horton wants me to dedicate the rest of my life to this school. I’ve talked to my mom about this and we have decided to move to the Caribbean on Mother’s Day. I have had enough. I wish the rest of NC happy fishing.”

Update: Horton added another requirement seconds after The Chant published this article. Any student that cannot physically roll their tongue must mop the floors for community service hours. The amount of hours a student manages to receive will be the number of days earlier that he or she can graduate.

“I mean, just pretend you cannot roll your tongue and work your butt off to win community service hours,” freshman teacher Mrs. Zavala said. “It’s not like Horton’s going to know whether you can roll your tongue or not. If he can sense it, he doesn’t need to pursue a career as a principal.”

Teachers seem utterly confused about the new requirements. In fact, some of them get together during their planning to discuss how to save NC without getting into major trouble by the county. Some of them, on the other hand, accept this as a time of enlightenment for themselves.  

“It is absolutely wonderful that Horton is taking these requirements into consideration. My students use to sleep after taking their exams, but now they have the bass fishing team to keep them awake,” AP World History teacher Gracia Elrick said.

Difficult days await NC as students say goodbye to standardized testing and hello to surviving the new requirements to complete their year with success.

April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO, The Chant