Nerf Gun safety initiative implementation into effect for all certified staff


Christophe Cesar

Finally students can study in a safe learning environment, as social studies teacher Tina Guest polishes her Nerf Blaster’s revolving chamber. No other school has the innovational brilliance that NC exhibits in issuing its staff and certifying them in using these fine pieces of equipment.

Esteban Alarcon, Opinions editor

In the 21st century, humans evolve and revolutionary ideas flourish. NC’s new state of the art system ensures student safety while maintaining a civil environment.

Effective immediately on April 1, 2018, teachers will need to holster Nerf Guns on their waist beside their ancient flip phones. One can find these fine pieces of technological innovation in any toy section of Walmart, Target, or Toys R’ Us. With their high-tech foam bullets launched from the barrel, these new additions to teacher’s belts will keep NC students safe.

“We’re in the future. We have found a way to protect students in an innovative, novel way. It’s a success,” National Nerf Gun Association CEO Bayne BaPierre eagerly said.

Worry not, for all staff has undergone military level training to handle this high caliber weaponry. After visiting the Atlanta Institute of Combat Teacher Training (AICTT) for a 45 minute instructional lecture and no background-check, NC teachers and administrators received a Nerf License To Carry and a high tech Nerf Gun—its size depending on the position of the teacher.

“Well, I got the Nerf N-Strike Elite Accustrike Raptorstrike, and it’s so gnarly. Yeah, it’s definitely bigger than anybody else’s Nerf Gun. I’m so excited to protect my school with this thing,” principal Bucky Horton said.

Teachers and students adapt to this new security system—some with eagerness, others with nervousness.

When asked how the new addition impacts the classroom environment, junior Jared Nolen commented, “We get our work done faster. We don’t talk, really. It’s hard to think about anything but following the rules when Mrs. Garcia is polishing her Nerf Gun right in front of you.”

Hours after the Nerf Guns filled each class room and hallway, a false alarm sent teachers straight into action. According to administrator David Bell, he saw a suspicious, hooded male in the library through a small window. Immediately assuming that the alleged intruder had taken media specialist Lisa Wheeler as a hostage, Bell phoned a code word to the rest of the NC administration, drew his Nerf Modulus Regulator Blaster, and headed for the doors of the Media Center.

Seconds after Bell popped his rubber-tipped rounds at the intruder, assistant principal Mary Goodwin threw open the doors, strategically kicked over a table for cover, and proceeded to fire her Nerf Doomlands 2169 Vagabond Blaster while screeching “PIEW PIEW!” for combat purposes.

“It was my anatomy class skeleton. I put a blanket over it so it wouldn’t pile dust before the presentation. I walked in on Mary screaming and shooting at it while David was catching his breath and reloading,” said science teacher Julie Hopp.

After great thought and consideration, Superintendent Chris Ragsdale issued NC the “Greatest Security Innovation of the Century” award for its responsibility and brilliance regarding the implementations of Nerf Guns as part of school security.

“Hopefully other schools catch onto NC’s intelligence and initiative. These Nerf Guns allow students to go about their day without being Nerf-ous. Ha!” said Ragsdale, with his questionable pun.  

April’s Fools, you fool!

XOXO, The Chant