Through the past struggles of man, baseline education always increases to somehow support a “healthy democracy” and an “educated populus.” This off notion not only puts down the uneducated, it completely contradicts recent scientific findings.

“Education, long thought to be the hallmark of society, actually provides a measurable drop in intelligence. Those with higher educations are statistically stupider than those without the conditioning put on people that go through this needlessly tedious and expensive process,” an Oxford study said.

No corrupted institution, especially the one masquerading as “modern education,” can overturn the basic human perception. Gaining new information and processing the environment may sound logical in theory, but the deterioration of neurons associated with comprehending new subjects refutes the commonly accepted fact.

“Why do you think people age, and eventually die? The disruption of your brain by learning new things sustains an exponential drop off in life expectancy. The studies done on sensory deprivation only show how the human body is supposed to function, not that it hurts our brain. We need to take these findings and run with it,” principal investigator James Bearing said.

As humans, we need to surround ourselves in what feels familiar. Keeping to our own and sticking to tradition not only increasing our longevity, it keeps us away from what could harm us. Knowing everything and anything only serves to destroy us as a civilization, and for a species that has existed for hundreds of thousands of years, we only stand because of our aversion to danger.

“Look, we aren’t saying put yourself in a sensory deprivation tank for the rest of your life, not even close. But if you do want to increase your life, and quite possibly your happiness, take care to not learn new things that you come across. Sticking to your own bubble is the most scientifically advisable action to go on, based on what we’ve learned here,” Bearing said.

Learning only constitutes a new danger, so keeping children out of schools and away from books will benefit them in the long run. Exploring only perpetuates this danger, so we need to stop the curiosity brewing in people’s heads. Listening purely based on what our senses pick up allows us to live happier, fuller lives, unbothered by the complicated and draining notions put out by the government, scientists, or intellectuals. Reality constitutes only what we can perceive, and to discount that fact makes all of us that much more discardable.

April Fool’s, you fools!

XOXO,

The Chant