Life on Mars: NASA rover gains sentience
After working on Mars for forty two days, NASA’s fifth Mars rover, Perseverance, has assumed sentience. Reports conflict about the source of Perseverance’s newfound personhood, but the scientific community as a whole accepts it. “I think Perseverance became alive because fans of NASA love the rover so much. Millions signed up to have Perseverance carry their names to Mars, and it’s paying off now,” NC senior Roberta Goggans said.
March 31, 2021
In an event that shocked scientists everywhere, the National Aeronautic
Space Administration (NASA) has identified life on Mars. NASA’s newest rover, Perseverance, gained sentience early this morning, immediately sending a message asserting its position as the first life on Mars. After running diagnostic tests in conjunction with leading behavior analysts, NASA fulfilled Perseverance’s request, making history. NASA’s advisory council also voted to employ the rover as a scientist.
While this discovery does little to help scientists understand how biological lifeforms could live on other planets, Perseverance’s breakthrough opens a slew of questions regarding the position of robotics in today’s society. Concerns surrounding how NASA will treat the rover immediately sprung up in activism circles.
These circles include People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), which decided, against the authority of NASA’s robotic engineers, to label the rover as an abused animal. To Perseverance’s dismay, PETA has begun lobbying for NASA to grant the rover immediate passage back to Earth, despite NASA’s comments surrounding the cost and length of the trip.
“I just think that how NASA is enslaving this poor rover is unfair. She was just barely born, and she already has to sift through rocks and take recordings for the rest of her life. This level of drudgery would be enough to drive anyone crazy, especially an animal like Perseverance. NASA needs to send a ship to Mars right away, so Perseverance can return and live out her life on Earth like space rovers were meant to,” PETA advocate George Smith said.
Other parties expressed interest in altering the rover’s new position as part of NASA’s team. Sources report that SpaceX CEO Elon Musk messaged the rover’s newly created Twitter account, offering it competitive pay along with a comprehensive health care plan, complete with dental coverage. The rover reputedly declined his offer, citing loyalty to NASA as its reason.
Beyond work for NASA, the rover’s future remains uncertain. Robotic engineers and behavior analysts continue to carefully monitor Perseverance, as the world watches the first life on Mars’s life unfold.
April Fool’s, you fool!
XOXO,
The Chant
