Should it snow tomorrow, read this for survival tips [satire]

Due to the snow days, spring break has been effectively canceled.

Alex O'Brien

Due to the snow days, spring break has been effectively canceled.

Adam Kovel, Managing editor

Atlanta braces itself for inclement weather in rather unconventional ways (to put it kindly). As last year proved, Georgians run like Chicken Little when dandruff falls from the sky. Unfortunately, Mother Nature’s revenge is nigh, as Hotlanta takes extremities while bundling up for “Snowpocalypse 2K15.” In preparation for “The Day after Tomorrow,” here lies the most essential advice needed for tomorrow’s encounter. Let’s not end up on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart two years in a row.

The talk of snow should urge all residents to raid establishments as if the zombie apocalypse finally arrived. For tomorrow morning’s (almost) inch of snow, Atlantans must speed to their nearest grocery store, as most of the bread, milk, and eggs have left the shelves already. Gear for battle when embarking on this journey, as the confrontation for survival will prove more intense than Walmart’s Black Friday event.

However, throughout all the chaos and searching for nourishment, Georgians will forget to buy (or steal) shovels, a key tool in defending our homes from the invading flurries. Shoveling one’s home allows for escape from isolation. Residents must remember though, that shoveling during snowfall proves counterproductive. The most efficient way to clear pathways: wait for a halt in the torrential downpour.

As many people in the South shamefully misunderstand, car’s brakes do not work as well in snow and ice than on a normal surface. The shocking conclusion came after witnessing countless vehicles trailing right behind the other last year. This resulted in wrecks, spin outs, and traffic piling up for miles. While this holds true, the closer you follow someone, the faster you get home. So honk and ride other cars no matter how dangerous.

Remember that on the way home tomorrow afternoon, traffic rules do not apply in this weather. Drive on the shoulders of I-75 and disobey stop lights and signs. The police will preoccupy themselves with tending to the fender benders to ticket the entire city. If Braves star Freddie Freeman gets stuck again, look out for Chipper Jones to once again rescue him on his four-wheeler, but this time, throw Freeman off and ride along with Chip to freedom. Freeman got rescued last year, now someone else deserves a chance. Also, Freeman should be in Spring Training. So maybe Jones will try to save Matt Ryan this time. Regardless, survival of the fittest.

Last year, Jon Stewart mocked Georgia for its lack of preparedness and the panic that ensued. Please do not let that happen again, Georgia. Please. Although he begins his farewell tour, this is not the retirement present to gift him. We already have enough for him to ridicule. The fact that we still react poorly in a couple inches of snow equates to lobbing a fastball down the middle to Barry Bonds.

During the next couple days, insanity will wreak throughout the Metro-Atlanta area. With these tips, everyone should get to safety in a timely, disordered fashion and survive the snow mountain (or ant hill) that will pelt anything and everything in sight.