Cobb county calendar changes cause concern, a satire

Cameron Hines, News copy editor, Sports editor

The following is a satirical piece intended for people who appreciate biting wit and poking fun at the frustrating, such as calendar alterations that Cobb County students can expect annually, much like McDonald’s McRib sandwiches.

Cobb County School District once again plans to alter its calendar with massive changes coming for the 2015-2016 year.

“We are very pleased to announce a brand new calendar that we hope will revolutionize education forever,” a Cobb County spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, and later declined to appear in photos, said.

Previous breaks, including Winter Break, Thanksgiving Break, and Spring Break have been eliminated by the board. Students will now be required to attend school on Christmas and Thanksgiving, among other notable holidays.

A silver lining exists: Both Groundhog’s Day and Columbus Day will offer students an extra three hours to arrive to school, although the days will last four hours longer than normal.

“I’d rather have three hours more to come to school than multiple weeks off for holidays with family and friends. It’s a no-brainer, really. Any calendar change is a good change, no matter what,” sophomore Oswald Patton said.

In addition, all students must complete mandatory volunteering on Labor Day, in an effort to promote the values of hard labor. And, in what one board member calls “the icing on the cupcake,” students will receive a four-day break every year beginning on February 29. Due to this date only coming around once in every four years, students will have to wait for Leap Year for their only scheduled break.

Inexplicably, the board is already engaged in talks to redo the new calendar.