The University of Georgia recently announced a heightened standard for acceptance to their school. Applicants who fail to achieve the specific guidelines and criteria set by the college will not even undergo as little as consideration for a place at UGA.

UGA admissions officer, Alan Johnston, who played a key role in these changes, explains why the university deems such extreme actions necessary.

“In the past registration was open to just anyone. Over the last few years, the landscape of the campus has subtly changed. And by ‘changed,’ I mean declined. The amount of unattractive students applying has made quite the increase and it’s actually caused us a great deal of grief. We can’t stand for this much longer,” Johnston said.

The problem, Johnston claims, stems from a lack of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes on campus. “Eligible” meaning physically attractive. He explains the frustration he feels when receiving frantic letters from grandmothers of single college students asking why their grandchildren remain unmarried with not even a prospective significant other in mind.

“I have received hundreds of complaints, so this has been a long time coming. People are pulling their kids out of the school, and it’s just not healthy for us or our students who actually look good,” Johnston said.

UGA rejectee Alyssa Bryce, rising freshman at KSU, describes the shock she experienced when her twin sister Hannah received an acceptance letter and she did not.

“At first I wasn’t really mad. I mean, I was upset that I hadn’t gotten in, but then I found out that it was based on looks. My sister and I are identical twins so I still didn’t really understand why I hadn’t gotten in. But in my rejection letter UGA basically told me that I didn’t get accepted because I didn’t have the ‘soulful eyes’ they were looking for. I mean, how ridiculous is that?” Bryce said.

The admission board’s expectations remain clear and pertinacious.

“Skin color obviously isn’t factored into our decision but we definitely pay attention to the features. Our ideal student would have Harry Styles’ charming smile, Emma Watson’s bottomless brown eyes, and Kanye West’s confident stride,” Johnston said.

The announcement left members of the community stunned, many of them still wrestle with the idea of student being evaluated based on physicality alone.

“I don’t understand how this could even be legal. These students work for years in hopes of getting the best grades so they can get into college one day. How can UGA decide an ultimate standard of beauty and base kids’ acceptance off of it?” Bryce’s guidance counselor, Missy Tryhane said.

Despite pushback from the public, both Johnston and UGA stand firm in their answers. They understand the outlandish appearance of this decision but must do that which will produce the most favorable outcome for the school in the long run.    

“I understand why people might be concerned. I’ve had students come to me and say ‘I’ve worked so hard. I maxed out on AP classes, I was captain of the lacrosse team, I have 150 community service hours,’ et cetera. But at the end of the day, it’s simple. The ugly—unattractive, sorry—students must go,” Johnston said.  

April Fool’s, you fools!

XOXO,

The Chant