All around the world, hot air balloon owners file reports for their missing balloons. One minute they stay tethered to a leash in the backyard, and the next they vanish with no trace. Citizens baffle themselves with the question, “where do the balloons go?”

“I loved my balloon. It was my prized possession. I can’t stand to think Martha is out there all alone without her mommy. I miss her so much. If the person who stole her is reading this, please bring her back safe. And don’t eat my sandwich, I’m saving that,” freshman Maggie Cuthbertson said. 

Several conspiracists began to develop their theories for where the balloons go. One conspiracist in particular, Bill Nye, suggested that the title “hot air balloon thief” may belong to his arch nemesis, Robbie Rotten.

“According to my very real scientific evidence, it has to be Robbie. There are absolutely no other possible suspects. With that ugly purple jumpsuit? He’s clearly not mentally stable and he must be stopped once and for all,” Nye said. 

The hot air balloon thief remains hidden, and no balloon owners caught a glimpse of the thief when it happened, since he only strikes in the night. Members of society should hide their children, their animals, and most importantly, their balloons. Any NC student who owns a prized balloon of their own may now store their balloons in the band room, as  Principal Matt Moody concerns himself with the safety of his students. Moody and his personal swat team instilled a brand new security system including million dollar cameras, booby traps, and laser beams. 

“Please, do not wait until it is too late. Bring your balloons to NC. The new security system in place will prevent the balloons from being taken. This is a code balloon emergency, all hands are on deck,” Moody said. 

Experts also provide advice for keeping balloons safe. They say to pour soy milk and pink sprinkles around balloons before the sun sets, and to place an aquarium with tiger fish inside of the balloon all night. Expert Blue B. McMuffin provided his personal input as well, urging any balloon owners to take these safety tips extremely seriously, and to “stay away from the cows.”

“It’s the cows man, something is wrong with the cows! I’m scared. I mean, we’re going to be okay. Just remain calm everybody, stay very still,” McMuffin states. 

Members of society and the students of NC should not fret. Moody’s swat team searches tirelessly for the thief with the help of their search and rescue chickens. The balloons will return, and if Robbie Rotten becomes the proven culprit behind this, he will spend a lifetime in the Idaho “No Fun Allowed” house for troubled individuals. Everyone should follow the expert tips. And remember, stay away from the cows. 

April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO,

The Chant