All throughout NC’s halls, teachers and students find themselves uncomfortable and nervous. Why? Not because of the gargantuan football players, the eerie administrators, or the deafening freshmen. The school’s inexplicable cleanliness, immaculate furnishing, and futuristic structure intimidates anyone who dares to step under NC’s prestigious roof.

“It’s just too clean and nice. I feel like I should be wearing a tuxedo every time I come to school,” senior Chase Seufert said.

“Too clean” varies in definition. But the quality of NC surpasses any definition of “too clean” which one could fathom. The Vatican’s chambers, untouched snow, a pair of Jordans—all of these spotless objects do not compare to the purity of NC’s bathrooms, halls, or classrooms.

The restrooms, given the “Tidiest Toilet” award by the World Health Organization, come decorated with pale peach colored paint, sinks that usually provide running water, and partly-functioning stall doors that promote an open concept floorplan and environment. When entering these spa-like lavatories, unidentified fluids run along the brown tile, soaked up by stray toilet paper crating the renowned fragrance of NC restrooms.

Consequently, students avoid going to the bathroom. Their insecurity of personal hygiene and sense of unworthiness only worsens when entering the immaculate bathrooms. NC must take action to suppress this issue and must pick between students’ comfort and worldly cleanliness.

To further its reputation of “the cleanest school in the world,” as referred to by Zimbabwean prime minister Emmerson Mnangagwa, NC has introduced a arthropod awareness and preservation policy into its halls and classrooms by letting cockroaches and ants roam freely. These critters are actually enhancing the environment and earn the school an annual certificate for its “living biology”-friendly environment.  

“I love it. I mean, yes it makes me feel spoiled for being in such a spotless school, but these bugs just make me feel so safe, so fortunate,” freshman Trent Nolen said.

From the restrooms to the Beverly Hills style architecture, NC really puts on a show for each teacher and student. In 1958, right after the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 1, this the school’s construction blessed the people of Acworth. Today, in 2018, celebrities looking to build mansions consult NC’s architect Jerry Goodbuilder for his futuristic ideas and architectural styles.

“I saw a box. Then, I saw a brick,” Goodbuilder responded when asked where his inspiration came from.

Evidently, NC puts its aesthetics at a high priority, maybe even higher than student comfort. Reform must take place to create a more welcoming environment.

“It’s just too good,” Georgia Governor Nathan Deal said.

April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO,

The Chant