New discipline techniques bring order to classroom


Esteban Alarcon, Reporter, photographer

In the modern-day classroom, millennials require more effective disciplinary protocol than a threatening “call home to mother.”  Teachers and administrators rummage for new, effective techniques that will yield an immediate and long term effect, and The Chant discovered three foolproof ways to require student attention.

It seems that the generic, run-of-the-mill shock collar gets the job done. The new Hot Spot Pets Wireless Rechargeable Dog Training Collar comes in handy when a student goes off task, disregards directions, or says something stupid. Teachers find this method to be extremely effective, basic, and ethical.

A slip of paper no longer represents a bathroom pass, for it holds no significance. Instead, students sign out a shock collar and walk the halls with an electric hall pass around their necks. When the teacher feels that those signed out should return to class, a simple press of a button sends an electrifying reminder to the student, rarely inducing seizures.

Furthermore, phones constantly pose a distraction to students, inhibiting learning. Simply revoking their access to the device for an hour or so leads to no long term effects, but new disciplinary protocol concerning cellular devices resolves the problem once and for all.

When students fail to pay attention to the lesson, teachers can politely request for their phones to be handed over, and then proceed to the final step of improving behavior. Laying the phone gently on the desk, teachers may bash the device with a standard pick axe, or any blunt object, ensuring that the student watches as the teacher mercilessly annihilates their device before their eyes. Then, for a dramatic flare, the teacher should drop the electronic device into a jar of battery acid, with the student’s last name clearly printed on the top.

The final, most effective disciplinary measure within the class goes by “The Thumb Tack Technique.” The teacher must keep a supply of generic thumb tacks in arm’s reach, along with a pocket sized blow-dart pipe. As soon as a student falls asleep in class, insert the tack into the pipe, aim, and fire, sending a quick behavior-check into the student’s skin.

In the twenty-first century, novel and innovative techniques enforcing proper behavior in the classroom must flourish; remember, no pain, no gain.

April Fool’s, you fool!

XOXO, The Chant