Why Elon Musk should step away from Tesla


Elijah Pacis

Elijah Pacis

Elijah Pacis, Reporter

In an age where technological advancement continues to progress faster and faster, one can only wonder when the human species can stop innovating and inventing. Multiple examples of roadblocks limiting scientific research began popping up in recent years, with small businesses and companies shutting down after scientific viability ran dry. The electric car industry recently fell victim to this trend, showcasing once again the limits of safe energy and how the world should just run on gasoline and big oil until the Earth runs out.

“I realized that we ran out of features to put in our cars. We started a project for our windshields that will cover up your view with important alerts including exactly who unfollows you on social media, but it was scrapped and I took a vacation instead,” said Musk last Tuesday in a press conference regarding Tesla.

On the other hand, SpaceX appears poised to dominate the future space travel industry. After the recent United Nations conference held at Geneva, over a hundred nations came out in defiance of the Geneva Conventions’ jurisdiction in space, which would normally protect civilians and non-combatants in warfare. North Korea stands at the forefront of the movement, encouraging a flexible interpretation of space law.

“When we’re in space, we should be able to do anything we want. I for one am looking forward to taking hostages to leverage my new video game lounge on Mars. SpaceX will help me by delivering transport crafts full of electronics as part of our deal to supply them with nuclear armaments,” said North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in an address to the United Nations meeting.

In contrast to him and his dictatorship’s public image, Kim Jong-un revealed that he remains an active supporter of American space travel, citing companies including SpaceX as “very generous, I enjoy buyable, private sources of missile technology.” On the other hand, Tesla recently lost certain high-profile investors, including North Korean leadership and the top 0.1% of people who can afford to look at a Tesla, during an FBI and CIA joint investigation. The two agencies looked into a suspicious “catgirl robots” tweet Musk made in October and a similar tweet in 2019. 

“The results of our investigation found that Musk’s tweet about catgirl robots was just him being bored. We did find records of him spending hours on end in his Tesla office playing nothing but video games and ranting to strangers on the internet about his frustrations within the company,” said an FBI spokesperson in February.

One can attribute Musk’s lack of motivation to the fact that nobody uses cars anymore, instead favoring the new teleporter industry. Rather than wasting his time one fruitless issues like saving Americans thousands of dollars annually on gasoline, he should instead look into becoming a primary shareholder of GameStop. Numerous world governments already show great interest in video games, while Tesla continues to fail to push out useful or beneficial products. 

“I realize now that video games and space pirates are the new wave. SpaceX has made huge strides in nuclea- I mean rocket technology and we plan on using tons of it in our quest to bring video games to the aliens. I am very excited for that prospect,” said Musk in a press conference following the recent investigations.

Similarly to certain oil tycoons, Musk no longer believes in Tesla’s potential. His recent interest in GameStop stocks shows a telltale sign that he fully supports the delivery of video games to space. With Tesla fading out of memory as ever existing at all and the world’s generally increasing interest in putting video games in space, one can see that the answer to humanity’s future lies in Musk’s efforts in bringing video games to aliens.

April Fool’s, you fools!


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